RE: Recent temperature disparity

Posted: 2011/02/05 in Humor
Tags: , , , , , ,

Dear <name removed for confidentiality>

In regards to your inquiry of 2/5/2011 regarding the brief reverse disparity in air temperature between Texas, USA, and Minnesota, USA, we apologize for the inconvenience.

Our observations show that the self-correcting “Airmass Modification™” feature of our product, Earth 2.0, specifically the Weather and Climate module, have already corrected the problem. We hope that you are now satisfied and will continue to enjoy the many benefits of Earth 2.0. But we doubt it.

There are a few matters we must bring to your attention.

Our records indicate that you are a member of Humanity. A legal representative of Humanity, one “Adam,” received a license for the use of Earth 1.0 on or about 10,000 BC in a region formerly known as Mesopotamia. He and his wife Eve immediately tampered with the KnowledgeTree™ in the Epistemology module, thereby voiding the warranty. Subsequent and repeated actions actions by Adam and Eve’s descendants sufficiently damaged Earth 1.0 such that it was ceasing to function.

So we had to reformat your planet and install Earth 2.0 “Toddler Edition,” which we hoped would be more robust and more reliable given your observed patterns of use. You promptly sued us for the destruction of life and property during the reformatting process, which you refer to as “The Flood.” Your suit was dismissed on the grounds that you had already voided the warranty by tampering with KnowledgeTree™, and in addition that your license payments, in the form of respectful homage towards the Owner of Earth 1.0, were badly in arrears at the time. Given the hash that you’d made of the place, it’s a wonder that any of you lived. Fortunately, one of you, Noah, also of Mesopotamia, assisted our technical team and was able to preserve most of the animal life from Earth 1.0, which you are presently enjoying as an add-on module to Earth 2.0. Some cool new stuff has evolved since then, but so has a bunch of nasty stuff, most of which you can’t see. But that’s what happens when we have to configure an Earth model to “Auto-Run” because the so-called “intelligent” creatures won’t read the user’s manual and perform the required maintenance.

I hate to get ugly, but we must further remind you that you have continued to fail to comply with the license terms of Earth 2.0 (do you really think that clear-cutting all the forests—and the passenger pigeons, look, I know they were a nuisance, but did you have to kill EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM?—and do you really think that belching all that crap into the atmosphere is what we meant by “stewardship?”) and have failed to make license payments, either submitting them to Satan (who we must remind you was a former employee of the Owner who skipped out with the creature list, operates under many assumed names, is a notorious con angel, and is under a restraining order—he’s ignoring it, but we’ll deal with that soon enough), offering counterfeit homage (“lip service” as defined in the Terms and Conditions), or simply denying the Owner’s existence.

But Creature Service is among our top priorities, so our Owner even sent his Son and personal representative, Jesus, to arrange alternate payment terms, whereupon several of your warring factions settled their differences long enough to kill Him. Sorry to disappoint you, but He came back to life. He and the Owner have subsequently sent another personal representative, HolySpirit, and He has continued to work behind the scenes to slow the rate of decay of Earth 2.0. A lot of help He’s getting, too. What’s with you people? (You want to know what’s even more amazing? Some of you who did accept the alternate payment terms actually GOT INTO A WAR over whether the Owner sent HolySpirit by Himself, or whether the Owner and Son did it together. As if! I refer you to “Filioque Controversy.” Didn’t you get the POINT! Sorry. I’ve already been written up twice this week for dredging up the past. “Love keeps no record of wrongs suffered!” my supervisor told me. Grrrr).

In addition, for a limited time, HolySpirit has been offering individual licenses to the upcoming Earth 3.0. Our offer to waive all owed license fees in connection with Earth 2.0, and provide personalized instruction in offering homage and exercising proper stewardship have met with limited success. Many start the program, or say they have, but then willfully refuse the assistance, saying things like, “Back off, we can handle it,” or “We can’t talk to You now. It might offend the neighbors,” or, “But we need an Escalade!”

We must inform you that your species license to Earth 2.0 is no longer valid, and before Earth 2.0 completely ceases to function because of your abuse, we’re going to have to reformat your planet again (see “Day of the LORD” in Terms and Conditions), and it’s going to make the so-called Flood look like nothing. We’re going to have to wipe the master boot record and everything. You have no idea what it’s going to take to straighten this out. We would have done it already, but you know how the Owner is about “Creature Service” and “Love.”  But just the other day, I overheard Him telling someone, “Don’t make me come down there!”

We hope that you are satisfied with the restoration of the typical thermal differential between Texas, USA and Minnesota, USA, we hope you enjoy the upcoming Spring™ and Wildflowers™, and we strongly encourage you to take advantage of our limited-time offer of an individual license to Earth 3.0. (Wait ’till you see the Birds™ in 3.0. They’re going to knock your socks off!) I know it sounds too good to be true, but the Owner has agreed to accept payment of the upgrade fees by His own Son on your behalf, and is throwing in the personal instruction package to sweeten the deal. (Sometimes I hate family businesses). “Don’t worry,” He says. “We’ll make it up on volume!” (Besides, the Owner loves what He made, even when it doesn’t “turn out.” This whole thing is really more like a hobby with Him. He can afford it. He’s LOADED like you wouldn’t believe).

Your servant,
Customer Service Angel Level 1A

P.S. The next thing you know, you people are going to be moaning about the heat. You think it’s hot in Texas? Try Mumbai in May! Pre-monsoonal. 115 F, 80+ dewpoints, and not one single cloud. And then it rains for four months solid, but the highs drop back into the 90s and we get some shade.


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